don't know if i should love you or leave you.

 

It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn't matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over. 

― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

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Dear S,

This is more heartfelt than I can bear, but I wanted to let you know where you stand.

When he first walked up to me, I made no attempt to turn away. He definitely overdid his cologne for a first impression. Despite his scent being overwhelming yet compelling, I wasn’t drawn to him till the second glance. It was at that moment where I realised I had already sunk one foot in the mud.

It was more than fate; it felt almost like we were meant to meet by natural selection.

The fact was that I savoured every moment of spontaneity to paint the town red. I have always been apprehensive towards trying new experiences. The truth is that I miss the adventures we created together. I have always appreciated how he pushed me out of my comfort zone to live my life to the highest. 

Never will I forget the unplanned road trips he planned for us. Those were enjoyable expeditions that can never be replicated, but what we had could never bear with the aftermath. Every time we had to come back to reality, we dreaded it so much that we wished we could ditch our responsibilities and prolong the fun we shared.

Everything felt too good to be true that I was slowly beginning to doubt if it was all real or make-believe. In due course, I became more aware of what he was doing to my life and everything around me.

With him around, I should never let my guard down and relax. Detaching from each other was more difficult for me to process, but it was necessary and inevitable; he just moved on, ceasing to exist in my life but continuing to live fiercely with the rest.

Breaking bad news was never easy; till now, I still can’t bid farewell for good. 

He will always be the memory I cannot erase. He will always be the storm in my head that dictates the tears streaming down. He will always be the fire I had to put out with my bare hands. He will always be the porcelain doll I had to smash. He will always be the message no one should send out. He will always be the secret that no one should ever hold, keep or tell. He will always be the one that could bring the end of my life.

In the end, I realised that I was just delusional. I shouldn’t have overstayed my welcome, he is the complete opposite of who I should be with. 

A future with you brings uncertainty and I can’t deny that I will miss him. 

Ultimately, my choice is you.

xoxo

Lorelei

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M.

is it wrong or right

you're still on my mind

tell me why

i can't say goodbye.