Ctrl+Z. Ctrl+Me.

"Just living is not enough", said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."
— Hans Christian Andersen.

and you can play this at my funeral.



 No reflection was to be allowed now, not one glance was to be cast bask; not even one forward. Not one thought was to be given either to the past or the future. The first was a page so heavenly sweet, so deadly sad, that to read one line of it would dissolve my courage and break down my energy. The last was an awful blank, something like then world when the deluge was gone by.

— Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre.






forgot about the depths of our hearts,
our shadows came out to play.
the monsters we loved,
they knew how to stay.

in their tangled webs,
it was an endless chase.
the monsters we loved,
we had to replace.

wasted and went adrift,
clouded and shrouded in mist.
the monsters we loved,
would soon cease to exist.

no more fixating on the good old days,
or the familiarity we yearn,
the monsters we loved,
gave us too much to learn.

an unwritten future, but
how do we smile again.
the monsters we loved,
only brought us pain.

with the warmth of hope and love,
barely got out of the cold.
the monsters we loved,
we'll be free of their hold.

filled our lives with so much fun,
as with suffering and fear.
the monsters we loved,
stay away, don't come near.

overstayed a welcome too long,
should have left when we could.
the monsters we loved,
time to bid farewell for good.


close your eyes.

imagine being in a place
so peaceful
so calm
so quiet.

what do you hear?

the thoughts
so loud
almost deafening
i hate this place.





tell me when it's okay to breathe again
the thoughts are suffocating me
tell me when it's okay to be pretend again
i'm tired of being me.

being me can only mean being human
feeling everything all at once
blowing up life buoys for myself
even when i'm drowning.

 reaching out for the stars
they are shining signs
serving as reminders
to light up my own sky.

hold space for me
create capacity for me
but i might scare you off
i don't know why i'm me.


why is it when skies are finally clear,

my head still feels so clouded?

clarity, when there's no more blues.

sanity, i would catch a glimpse of.





wrap me up in chanel inside my coffin
might go to hell and there ain't no stopping
might be a sinner and i might be a saint
i'd like to be proud, but somehow i'm ashamed
sweet little baby in a world full of pain
i gotta be honest, i don't know if i can take it
everybody's talking, but what's anybody saying?


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