Ctrl+Z. Ctrl+Me.

"Just living is not enough", said the butterfly, "one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower."
— Hans Christian Andersen.

Always another bender, I lose control.

It is as though some old part of yourself wakes up in you, terrified, useless in the life you have, its skills and habits destructive but intact, and what is left of the present you, the person you have become, wilts and shrivels in sadness or despair: the person you have become is only a thin shell over this other, more electric and endangered self. The strongest, the least digested parts of your experience can rise up and put you back where you were when they occurred; all the rest of you stands back and weeps.

— Peter Straub, The Throat.


As I maneuvered the car
sitting alone
with an empty passenger seat
beside me
the night felt darker than usual.

Squinting my eyes
up ahead was fuzzy
rubbing my right eye
the view remained the same
except that my eye was now sore.

I couldn't turn back
for my destination is not far in front
the street lights were dimmer than usual
it felt like all odds were against me
but it was up to me to keep myself safe.

Should I lean forward
in attempt to get a better view
or lean backwards
to try to ease up my worries
but not once did I slow down.


White lighter in one hand
clicking hard to brighten up.

Fist clenched in the other hand
fighting hard to soften up.

Sometimes we keep looking out
trying to find a way to match our lives
with what we see in others;
feeling disappointed about what we can't do
feeling disappointed when we can't do so. 

Not that it was wrong to feel that way
as we are always entitled to feel;
everything, anything
what our life could possibly be like.

Uncertainty is scary
but it is also tempting
at the same time
leaving conflicting feelings.

Soon it will pass
I guess
these feelings.

We shouldn't let such short term feelings
push us down again
a lot of it is nothing
but self-infliction.



I thought I'd get it back when
You cam back home to me, darling.
But I never had it, did I?

That wasn't love.
That was just hope.


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