Always another bender, I lose control.

It is as though some old part of yourself wakes up in you, terrified, useless in the life you have, its skills and habits destructive but intact, and what is left of the present you, the person you have become, wilts and shrivels in sadness or despair: the person you have become is only a thin shell over this other, more electric and endangered self. The strongest, the least digested parts of your experience can rise up and put you back where you were when they occurred; all the rest of you stands back and weeps.

— Peter Straub, The Throat.

————————

As I maneuvered the car

sitting alone

with an empty passenger seat

beside me

the night felt darker than usual.

Squinting my eyes

up ahead was fuzzy

rubbing my right eye

the view remained the same

except that my eye was now sore.

I couldn't turn back

for my destination is not far in front

the street lights were dimmer than usual

it felt like all odds were against me

but it was up to me to keep myself safe.

Should I lean forward

in attempt to get a better view

or lean backwards

to try to ease up my worries

but not once did I slow down.

————

White lighter in one hand

clicking hard to brighten up.

Fist clenched in the other hand

fighting hard to soften up.

Sometimes we keep looking out

trying to find a way to match our lives

with what we see in others;

feeling disappointed about what we can't do

feeling disappointed when we can't do so. 

Not that it was wrong to feel that way

as we are always entitled to feel;

everything, anything

what our life could possibly be like.

Uncertainty is scary

but it is also tempting

at the same time

leaving conflicting feelings.

Soon it will pass

I guess

these feelings.

We shouldn't let such short term feelings

push us down again

a lot of it is nothing

but self-infliction.

————————

M.

I thought I'd get it back when

You cam back home to me, darling.

But I never had it, did I?

That wasn't love.

That was just hope.